5.11.2004

Weird war (A parody of 'What is to be done' newspaper columns)

I read this bizarre op-ed by Victor Davis Hanson, and something just snapped. There's been an unbelievable torrent of moralistic, cliche-ridden writing in the past three years.

I decided to do a parody, using the author's own language and recombining it randomly to produce a kind of prose poem. Some of the most unlikely phrases in his column have been left entirely intact!

Our enemies know our weird words of wah

The wars since September 11 have once more revealed the arms are high, and full of American clans, warlords, and assorted folk who have historically enjoyed killing interlopers for blood sport. What followed was not perfect.
Triangulators on the dole became ecstatic because a megalomaniac like Khaddafi can see that good news over there is rare indeed. Add in the hysteria over oil, the potpourri of terrorists, and the depressing and bloody hope.

American combat dead did not see the Dante-esque scenarios that were promised before the foul nature of the enemy, which cannot be defeated on the field of battle by any present force in existence. We are confronted with the paradox of damage to establish a sense of defeat to establish a sense of humiliation that is messy. Muster the plague, the attention-deficit fist-shaking deficit is $87 billion.

Still, we must give proper credit to our fundamentalists and holdover fascists. Middle Eastern fans, Gollum-like, decided to slither out to scamper to safety, then remerged on all fours defiant and barking like a dog.

But no, the challenge again is that bin Laden has mastered the knowledge of the Western mind. Indeed they know us far better than the scurrying skyscrapers topple to shoot at us again? A gangster and a psychopathic faker, many of us in deemed the one a statesman and the other a holy man.

So our enemies realize the mentality of an affluent, leisured and consensual West.

The one caveat: Do not provoke open shooting in the Arab Street hysteria, empty threats on spec, and silly fatwas nos. 1 through 1,000 exhaustion are complex, gratuitously humiliating or torturing naked Iraqi prisoners on tape — all the better, as proof that the elevated pretensions of Western decency and humanity are but a sham and a feeding frenzy that evolves to outright cultural cannibalism.

They don't put you on cable news to yell at their citizenry; and you wouldn't really wish to emigrate there for a teaching fellowship anyway.The moral of all this? The West can defeat the enemy on the battlefield on the dirty ground it can only win who can fickle ridicule that is the price of long-term security and stability. How weird is our way of war! Such is the self-induced burden for all those who would be gods rather than mere mortals.
To let Iraq become Lebanonized, Talibanized, or Iranicized, even though all we have done and said is aw-shucks while annihilating utterly the veneer of courage; ignore the incoming rounds of moral hypocrisy to explain to an exasperated American people why other people hate us for who we are gratuitously and zillions of times.

Do all that and we can really complete this weird piece.