DJ notes

On Friday, I attempted to entertain 125 people for a few hours. It was fun, but the dancing was a bit weak. So here are a few quick notes, to the guests as well as to myself.

Notes to wedding guests:

1. You are required to burn off your dinner with at least half an hour of vigorous dancing. I will play "It's the Time to Disco," "Koi Kahe Kehta Rahe," and "Mundian to Bach Ke" as often as you want, up to five times. I will even play Gloria Gaynor's "I will survive," Sister Sledge's "Good Times," Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean," the Bee Gees's "Stayin Alive," and any Abba that you may require. It's a wedding: I will play whatever you want. (Except Audioslave -- sorry, friend.)

Important: sitting around outside the wedding hall, sipping champagne, and enjoying the sea breeze is not an acceptable alternative. Come back inside and sweat it up a little; the water is free.

2. Please don't approach a DJ playing music to an empty dance floor, and congratulate him on the great music he is playing. Get on the dance floor and dance, mofo!

3. For the older folks likely to complain about the volume of the music (it wasn't even that loud): bring earplugs. Or go check out the sea breeze. Please.

4. Kids: I will play Jay-Z's "Dirt off your shoulder," because it has a good beat and a positive message (even with the "N" word). However, I will not play "99 Problems," or any song with the word "bitch" in it. Please don't ask me to. I will also prefer not to play Usher's "Yeah," because it actually kind of sucks. How about Christina Milian or Nina Skye instead?

And why don't you like the Black Eyed Peas's "Hey Mama"? I know they're a little too radio-friendly, but come on, it's a good beat. (What's wrong with kids these days?)

5. Guests at a culturally mixed wedding are required to come three hours early to socialize and develop an appropriate comfort level with people of the other party/ ethnic group. Activities could include the joint building of sandcastles, the drafting of sub-committee proposals, debates over the aesthetic quality of Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill, as well as the general personal curiosity and/or erotic tension essential in any environment where substantial dancing is likely to occur.


Notes to self:

1. Avoid spilling champagne on your laptop while using it to play music. (ARGH) Especially avoid doing it three weeks after the warranty expired.

2. Avoid the song "Fanaa" from Yuva. Other people aren't that excited about it. (Luckily you knew enough to avoid "Dol Dol" from the same film.)

3. Avoid Outkast's "Hey Ya" at the end of the night, when only 15 people are on the dance floor. Too much, man.

4. Hire 50 migratory drunken Punjabi wedding guests for all future wedding engagements. Without them, no party is truly complete. (Also without them, your own limitations as a DJ become somewhat of a liability...)